Yesterday at lunch, I mentioned to Andrew that I hate the word “nice”. To illustrate my point, I told him how I had obtained a birthday card for one of our little nieces, and inside the message was fine except it said something to the effect of, “You are so nice.” I crossed out “nice” and replaced it with “SMART”.
I did not want them to ever feel it was their duty to be nice.
I ranted passionately to Andrew, “Even me. I am not a nice person. But a lot of people think I am. That’s because I’m kind, if I want to be.”
He looked thoughtful, curious. “What’s the difference between nice and kind?”
I had to work this through, and as I replied, trying to articulate what it is exactly, I came to the conclusion that it’s about agency.
“You MUST be nice; you don’t have a choice. But you don’t have to be kind. You can use your own judgement.”
He then looked it up and told me that even though the internet didn’t echo exactly what I had said, largely he felt I was correct and I should write a blog post about it, so here we are.
I think the thing I’m really reacting to, would be nefarious people endeavoring to use many people’s desire to be seen as “nice” against them, in order to coerce them into doing something that is not in their best interests; something they just don’t actually want to do. But might, just to be “nice”. Because heaven forbid we’re seen as “not nice”.
I think it’s especially important to communicate to children (and all people) that it’s up to them to decide whether an interaction is something they want to engage in, and that it’s okay to reject people and hurt their feelings. If a person wants something from you that you are not prepared to give and that hurts their feelings, that’s their own problem. Definitely not yours.
So this is why I find the idea of telling my nieces they are “nice” to be dangerous, and I will cross that word out and instead reinforce their intelligence and their ability to confidently make decisions that are right for them. And not make them ever feel like they need to sacrifice themselves for the sake of some rando’s stupid “feelings”.
When people try to get whatever out of me, and it is not something I want to give, it generally does not go well. I enjoy disappointing people who deserve to be disappointed, because their expectations are, for lack of a better word, stupid.
They want, or expect, something from me that I do not want to give. It is “nice” to give it.
But I’m not nice.
I might decide to be kind, though.